Part 26-It can't be good for the heart...?

Wednesday night: dinner with Mark. Went well. Polite, adult, civilised.

Tonight: drinks with Donal Dashwood. The plan? Wild. Animal. Lust.

So Wednesday was better than I had expected. Mark and I talked. Properly.

Before I arrived I was nervous, of course, I didn't know how I would feel when I set eyes on him again.
Yes, my mind has been occupied with lusty thought's of the debonair Mr. Dashwood of late, but I suspected there might be a strong tug on the old heart strings once I saw my beloved husband again. And I was right.

As I walked into the restaurant where we had arranged to meet my ticker was getting the work-out of it's life and as I approached our table and spotted the oh-so familiar back of his head I thought I'd had it, that my heart would finally cave under the pressure and stop beating all together. It was a mixture of nerves at how the evening might proceed, and the thrill of seeing him again, of being in his company after missing him for so long.

When he saw me he smiled so warmly that for a moment it all felt unbelievably familiar and I almost forgot he didn't love me anymore. When I remembered, I felt my by-now fragile heart snap into pieces all over again.

But I was determined not to show him any emotion tonight. Not to give away any hint that I still loved him or wished he would change his mind and come back to me. Instead I had a plan.

I was promoting (only prematurely, I'm pretty certain) Donal Dashwood to new love interest for the evening. Mark was going to discover that he wasn't the only fast mover around here!

So we began pleasantly; how had we been, how was work, wasn't christmas coming around fast yet again this year?
Then we moved onto the more important stuff like me buying Mark out of the house, our solicitors details, facts and figures, that kind of thing. It was at that point that Mark seemed to me to get quite unusually emotional. He said he missed the house, talked about all the memories we had there, indicated that he regretted having to leave it.

It made me so angry! How dare he miss our house-a building!-and (apparently) not miss me. I was furious but fought hard to keep my annoyance under wraps. Instead I politely asked how things were going with Kate (It nearly killed me to say her name without spitting afterwards!) and without really waiting for an answer (could he be stupid enough to think I actually wanted to hear it?) I began to tell him how I'd met this new guy at work and that we were currently seeing each other.

"Well, I don't know if I want to use the word 'seeing'", I said, quite jovially, I thought. "I'm kind of avoiding anything serious right now, although I know he's really into me. I'm just enjoying the sex"!

Mark's face was a picture! Whatever he had been going to tell me about the 'wonderful' Kate must have stuck in his throat because he remained speechless for several minutes as I described in detail my sordid affair with my gorgeous new boss, our stolen moments in the stationary cupboard and long lunches spent in nearby hotels!

It felt good to be the one with the upper hand for once and it was obvious that Mark was uncomfortable with me 'dating' again. Was that a touch of jealousy I felt exuding from his every pore? Ha!

As we were leaving Mark walked me to a taxi and for a moment I thought he might kiss me. Surprisingly after all my talk about Donal (I think I had begun to believe my stories too!) I did still find myself wanting him to. But of course he didn't.
Instead he told me he was glad things were going so well for me and smiled as if he meant it. I couldn't help feeling deflated.
But then, as I bundled myself into the backseat of the first car to arrive and waved goodbye to my husband, Mark turned and shouted over the noise of the ravving engine that we should probably meet up again soon, and my poor, worn out heart did another fragile little leap in my chest!

Am I right to sense a glimmer of hope, however feignt it may be? Do I even care anymore?

So, drinks tonight with Donal. He wants to thank me for all the hard work I've put in this week! Little does he know it hasn't been like work for me at all! It's our final day together so tonight is make or break for my dreams of making my fantasy man my reality man...

So, will I be able to make the stories I told Mark come true? I'll keep you posted...