Part 6-in which i am almost killed by a tin of Scotch Broth!

The weirdest thing happened to me today.

Well, it was weird until I sat down and thought about it, and then I realised it wasn't quite so weird, just plain bloody annoying! But it just goes to show the length's some people will go to, to get themselves a juicy bit of gossip!

So, I got home from work and realised that I haven't done a shop in almost 2 weeks. I was starving ( it seems my appetite-which did a runner along with my other half-has found it's way back to me-oh joy!) and when I opened the fridge to find some sort of snack to ease my newly reinstated hunger-pangs I was greeted with only an egg -which stunk to high heaven,- a half-eaten tub of mouldy green potato salad and a pack of butter!

Now I'm pretty sure that had I popped these 'ingredients' into a carrier bag and taken them onto the set of 'Ready Steady Cook' the celebrity chef's of the day would have managed to come up with at least 20 different dishes that they could make for me, and every one would have tasted delightful, but I, unfortunately, have always been lacking in the culinery department (could this be the reason Mark has dumped me?) and so I was left with no option. I had to go to the supermarket.

Me and Supermarkets don't get on. I just don't like them. I don't like the fact that I never have a pound coin in my purse for the trolley and so always end up lugging around an over-filled basket, which I have to keep putting on the floor every five minutes for a break. I don't like the way 'they' deliberately put the most expensive varieties in the wrong place on the shelf, with the cheapest price label in front of it-I can almost feel 'them' all sitting in a darkened room above watching me on the in-store security camera with their fingers crossed, whispering repeatedly to themselves 'don't read the label, don't read the label'. Because I never read the label. And I cannot bare the dull, unobtrusive music they play to ease us all into a false sense of relaxation and make us buy things we don't really want or need, purely because we're feeling so chilled out! Add to all that queues and screaming kids and I am transported into my absolute worst night-mare!

But when the cupboard was bare-the hungry woman would do anything!

As I pulled into a parking space in my local Sainsbury's car park I could have sworn I saw a 'friend' of my mothers - Minty Babcock, or Minty Badminton as I like to call her-pulling away in her 4 by 4.
'Thank God', I said silently, thinking that the last thing I needed was to bump into the gestapo in there.
Minty (where do they get these ridiculous names from-I bet a tenner she wasn't christened that) isn't exactly my mother's friend, she's just a woman who is a member of the same baminton club that my mother joined a couple of years ago after my parents retired and bought a nice big detached home on the outskirts of town. Mum has always fancied herself as a bit of a socilate, a bit of a lady who lunches. She's been trying to climb the social ladder for years without much success, and now mixes in circles with the likes of Minty Babcock, who is as fake as a department store Santa and even more of a stuck-up busy-body than my mother has became.

Anyway, there I am, deciding between a frozen chicken dinner for one, or an individual portion of King prawn noodles when from the corner of my eye I spot a figure lurking at the end of the cereal isle, spying on me from behind a box of Special K. I do a double take, thinking that those who may once have been watching me from the darkened room above have taken things too far and are now following me around the floor, sending subliminal messages to me, willing me 'not to read the label'.

I check the price of the Chicken dinner before throwing it into my basket. That's enough of this place for one day I think, and head with haste towards the check-out.

But, just as I'm passing the canned goods section, I swear to God, a tin of Scotch Broth comes flying out from nowhere, hitting me square on the forehead and almost killing me stone dead!

'What the f...'? I scream loudly. But before I can work out what's going on I realize I must be suffering some sort of concussion-induced hallucination because there before me stands Minty Badminton-who I'm certain was leaving the supermarket as I arrived!

She makes sympathetic noises for a moment, pretending not to know who I am. This is no hallucination, I realize, It's actually her.
And then she launches into gushing hugs and kisses as she feign's recognition. Any passers-by would swear we were long lost mother and daughter reunited! Like I said-FAKE! She rarely so much as glances in my direction if we happen to bump into each other, unless I'm with my mother and she's forched to make polite conversation.

I smell a rat!

We make polite conversation for a few minutes...what can I say...? It's the British way of handling things! I'm still feeling a bit confused about the whole episode to be honest...
But then she say's something which helps me to understand exactly what is going on here...

'Gerald and I were at the theatre last night' she volunteers without any build up in conversation.
I think I nodded and said something like 'that's nice'.

Then...

'Don't you like the theatre yourself dear'?

To which I shrug. Where did she get that from-weirdo?

'I don't mind it' I say, not sure where this could be going.

'Oh' dramatic pause. 'It's just that when I saw your husband there with another, er, young lady, on his arm I could only surmise that you mustn't like to go yourself'.

Oh My God!

That's it! I'm caught! Three hours from now and the whole of town will know I've been ditched by my husband after only 3 years of marriage! Not to mention that the first of those to be informed will no doubt be my parents...

Crafty cow! She obviously saw me pulling into the carpark as she was on her way out and decided that she couldn't pass up a MASSIVE gossip opportunity like this and swung around and came back again! Besides, her basket was empty!

What was I to do? Lie, and face up to things at some later stage? Or face the truth, because sooner or later everyone would find out anyway, and when they did they would know I'd been lying.

I decided to bite the bullet-but, -GO ME!- I did it in style.

Faking it good-style, just like she always did, I made sure my whole face radiated with joy when I said:

'Oh Minty, don't tell me you're the last to know! God, Mark and I split up ages ago'.

Then I giggled like a carefree school girl before announcing that I really must dash. As I flounced away from her, trying as hard as I could to hide my solo-chicken meal and the wedding band still gripping my finger, I turned towards her once more and, as casually as I could, I laughed and said:

'I still can't believe you didn't know about that Minty! You must be losing your touch'!

The look of shock on her usually smug face told me I'd managed to get one over on her! YEEHAW!



Well, it's out now, that's for sure. Although if she thinks it's old news Minty might not be so keen to ring around informing her network of nosey parkers!

But no matter what, if Mark's parading around town with his bit-on-the-side stuck to his arm, the news is sure to get out sooner rather than later.

I think it's time to ring my parents...